Well, here we are. Spilling my feelings and emotions onto a blog page, and I'm not going to lie, it feels a bit scary. I'm not sure I should even be doing it, as who knows what my family will think. But writing is my form of therapy now I don't have a piano to sit at, and I'm not that good at talking about this, so I guess I'll just out it on here. Whatever anyone thinks, it's not for attention, it's purely so that I can put things into words that I've not been able to for the last 3 years for fear of what people back home would think/say. I'm sure someone will want to make the comment of 'why not write this in a diary' or something along those lines, but here's my place to write and I want other people to know it's okay to feel this way.
I'm sat in bed right now, feeling pretty fragile (and for once it's not because I've been out drinking the night before). 3 years ago today, I lost my Grandma to lung cancer. Now this is where I start on the defensive; a lot of people will criticize people who smoke, and say that they're taking up valuable money and time being treated for things they could have stopped happening by leading a different lifestyle. But when saying this, they don't realise who their words really are affecting... the people left behind. It wasn't our choice to have her taken away so soon, and she always told me to never smoke so she was always protecting me from the horrors of it. Of course all of this could have been prevented if my Grandma didn't smoke; I'm not naive enough to think otherwise. But think of it this way - my brother is 12 in four days time and he won't get to experience the things that I was fortunate enough to experience with her; the yearly trips to Scotland, the day trips out and all the memories. One of the last memories I have is going dress shopping with her for an evening dress to wear on a cruise she went on - we couldn't find anything all day so gave up and went back to her house. Only a couple of hours later did she say 'Oh I did like that dress in Oldrids you know' so i persuaded her to drive back into town and buy it, about 30 minutes before the shops shut! I occasionally see her next door neighbour and her granddaughter when I go back home and I always hear 'your grandma would be so proud of you' and I truly hope she is. I'll never forget getting my GCSE mock exam results and ringing her up because i finally passed maths. After her struggling to breathe at the start of the conversation, I could hear the emotion in her voice as she said 'oh well done my love, I knew you would!'. Moments like that I cherish.
I'm so so fortunate to still have my other Grandma who I love beyond words and does so much for me and I hope she realizes that among all the sadness of today that I really appreciate her a lot.
Everyone has/will lose someone at some point in their life, but for me it all happened way too quickly. One moment we were out for a Chinese celebrating her 70th, and just over a month later, she was gone. It's so hard to watch someone you love deteriorate so quickly. I had this pair of trousers that she always liked and I went into town on the Wednesday to buy her some, but by the next Friday I had them handed back to me, the tags still on. I couldn't face taking them back, so they're still in the bag in my wardrobe back home. I tried to go round and visit as much as I could, but I still didn't recognize how serious everything was, until she started mixing up the days, asking how dancing was on a Friday and not realizing I went to class on Tuesdays. That was tough.
This is where Wicked comes in, and after bawling my eyes out at it for the 5th time this weekend, I guess I owe Luke, Holly, Kelly, Chloe and whoever else I've seen it with, an explanation as to why it effects me the way it does. It also explains why Rachel Tucker is the one singer I turn to when I need picking up; but that's a whole other story. You see, my Grandma promised me that for my 18th birthday, she'd take me to see a show and she promised me we'd stay in a nice hotel and see Wicked as she knew I'd seen it before and wanted to go again. She never made it to my 18th. I remember it being a week after my 18th when I got a text from my Dad saying 'I should get the best Dad award' and I texted him back saying 'why?' and he told me he'd booked me on the school trip to see Wicked - which I didn't even know was going on! Now I'm not a big believer in fate, but for that to happen at the time it did, truly took me aback and made me think that there must have been someone watching over for that to happen as our school never did trips like that. One of the biggest choral numbers in the show is 'One Short Day' and it's not sad, in fact it is one of the happiest, cheesiest numbers in the whole performance! But every time I see it, I tear up. My Grandma came to watch me in a Young Americans theatre workshop back in 2008 and I remember her and my Grandpa being absolutely amazed at the whole thing, but that was the first time she really ever saw me perform, so that song really has a lot of resonance with me. When I was at Wicked most recently, sat in front of us was a Mum, her daughter and her Grandma, and when For Good came on, I kid you not when I say they were all just holding each others hands and the young girl was cuddled up to her Grandma. I don't know if a child that young would understand the lyrics, but I got so emotional at that, as the lyrics are 'I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason..... because I knew you, I have been changed for good'.
Smoking really does kill. It's a personal choice and of course I understand that, but if people could see what it's done to my family, maybe they'd think again before reaching for the lighter. You never think it'll happen to you or a loved one, it never even crossed my mind that when my Grandma was complaining of a sore shoulder, really there was much more going on than I could've imagined. I will always regret the phone call I had where she said she didn't want to go to hospital and I said 'no I understand why, maybe give it a couple of days and see how you feel' because imagine if I'd have said something different, might it have changed anything? I know I can't blame myself for things, but I really wish I could go back in time and make the most of everything, even eating pizza every Friday night and arguing over whether to watch Traffic Cops or the Kardashians (which she claimed to hate but asked questions every episode so she knew exactly what was going on!)
It's taken me a long time to acknowledge that I still feel this way. This is the first loss I can really remember and its one that still hits me hard now as we really were close. Everyone says that over time things get easier, and no I'm not crying every night like I did the first month after, but I still struggle at this time of the year. Even the slightest thing can trigger a memory and put me in a down
mood for the day and it is pretty tough. But to anyone whos struggling with a loss at the minute, just tell yourself that it's okay to feel down and have bad days, but remember there's always someone watching over you. If you need your space, go and find it. If you need to be around people, go for lunch with your friends. But however you deal with it, know you're not alone - possibly the most cheesy ending, but I think it fits just right. Love to all my family today 💖
Charlie x
I'm sat in bed right now, feeling pretty fragile (and for once it's not because I've been out drinking the night before). 3 years ago today, I lost my Grandma to lung cancer. Now this is where I start on the defensive; a lot of people will criticize people who smoke, and say that they're taking up valuable money and time being treated for things they could have stopped happening by leading a different lifestyle. But when saying this, they don't realise who their words really are affecting... the people left behind. It wasn't our choice to have her taken away so soon, and she always told me to never smoke so she was always protecting me from the horrors of it. Of course all of this could have been prevented if my Grandma didn't smoke; I'm not naive enough to think otherwise. But think of it this way - my brother is 12 in four days time and he won't get to experience the things that I was fortunate enough to experience with her; the yearly trips to Scotland, the day trips out and all the memories. One of the last memories I have is going dress shopping with her for an evening dress to wear on a cruise she went on - we couldn't find anything all day so gave up and went back to her house. Only a couple of hours later did she say 'Oh I did like that dress in Oldrids you know' so i persuaded her to drive back into town and buy it, about 30 minutes before the shops shut! I occasionally see her next door neighbour and her granddaughter when I go back home and I always hear 'your grandma would be so proud of you' and I truly hope she is. I'll never forget getting my GCSE mock exam results and ringing her up because i finally passed maths. After her struggling to breathe at the start of the conversation, I could hear the emotion in her voice as she said 'oh well done my love, I knew you would!'. Moments like that I cherish.
I'm so so fortunate to still have my other Grandma who I love beyond words and does so much for me and I hope she realizes that among all the sadness of today that I really appreciate her a lot.
Everyone has/will lose someone at some point in their life, but for me it all happened way too quickly. One moment we were out for a Chinese celebrating her 70th, and just over a month later, she was gone. It's so hard to watch someone you love deteriorate so quickly. I had this pair of trousers that she always liked and I went into town on the Wednesday to buy her some, but by the next Friday I had them handed back to me, the tags still on. I couldn't face taking them back, so they're still in the bag in my wardrobe back home. I tried to go round and visit as much as I could, but I still didn't recognize how serious everything was, until she started mixing up the days, asking how dancing was on a Friday and not realizing I went to class on Tuesdays. That was tough.
This is where Wicked comes in, and after bawling my eyes out at it for the 5th time this weekend, I guess I owe Luke, Holly, Kelly, Chloe and whoever else I've seen it with, an explanation as to why it effects me the way it does. It also explains why Rachel Tucker is the one singer I turn to when I need picking up; but that's a whole other story. You see, my Grandma promised me that for my 18th birthday, she'd take me to see a show and she promised me we'd stay in a nice hotel and see Wicked as she knew I'd seen it before and wanted to go again. She never made it to my 18th. I remember it being a week after my 18th when I got a text from my Dad saying 'I should get the best Dad award' and I texted him back saying 'why?' and he told me he'd booked me on the school trip to see Wicked - which I didn't even know was going on! Now I'm not a big believer in fate, but for that to happen at the time it did, truly took me aback and made me think that there must have been someone watching over for that to happen as our school never did trips like that. One of the biggest choral numbers in the show is 'One Short Day' and it's not sad, in fact it is one of the happiest, cheesiest numbers in the whole performance! But every time I see it, I tear up. My Grandma came to watch me in a Young Americans theatre workshop back in 2008 and I remember her and my Grandpa being absolutely amazed at the whole thing, but that was the first time she really ever saw me perform, so that song really has a lot of resonance with me. When I was at Wicked most recently, sat in front of us was a Mum, her daughter and her Grandma, and when For Good came on, I kid you not when I say they were all just holding each others hands and the young girl was cuddled up to her Grandma. I don't know if a child that young would understand the lyrics, but I got so emotional at that, as the lyrics are 'I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason..... because I knew you, I have been changed for good'.
Smoking really does kill. It's a personal choice and of course I understand that, but if people could see what it's done to my family, maybe they'd think again before reaching for the lighter. You never think it'll happen to you or a loved one, it never even crossed my mind that when my Grandma was complaining of a sore shoulder, really there was much more going on than I could've imagined. I will always regret the phone call I had where she said she didn't want to go to hospital and I said 'no I understand why, maybe give it a couple of days and see how you feel' because imagine if I'd have said something different, might it have changed anything? I know I can't blame myself for things, but I really wish I could go back in time and make the most of everything, even eating pizza every Friday night and arguing over whether to watch Traffic Cops or the Kardashians (which she claimed to hate but asked questions every episode so she knew exactly what was going on!)
It's taken me a long time to acknowledge that I still feel this way. This is the first loss I can really remember and its one that still hits me hard now as we really were close. Everyone says that over time things get easier, and no I'm not crying every night like I did the first month after, but I still struggle at this time of the year. Even the slightest thing can trigger a memory and put me in a down
mood for the day and it is pretty tough. But to anyone whos struggling with a loss at the minute, just tell yourself that it's okay to feel down and have bad days, but remember there's always someone watching over you. If you need your space, go and find it. If you need to be around people, go for lunch with your friends. But however you deal with it, know you're not alone - possibly the most cheesy ending, but I think it fits just right. Love to all my family today 💖
Charlie x
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